Briggs's Guide to Impeccable Drive-In Etiquette
by Joe Bob Briggs
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There are some people in Massachusetts who don't understand why God created drive-ins.
There are even some people in New York who don't understand what the word "drive-in" means.
If you know any of these people or any of the unfortunate people behind the Iron Curtain
who are denied the right to attend movies in automobiles I urge you to clip this article out
and send it to them immediately.
This is for the poor turkeys who don't have the advantages that you and me have.
This is for the suckers who never got the chance to watch flicks in the outdoors the way they
were meant to be seen.
- RULE #1: Decide immediately whether you are interested in public or private entertainment.
The beautiful thing about the drive-in is that the flick is public but your car is not.
So if you have something more interesting going on in your car than on the screen,
you should take advantage of the situation by purchasing certain options. One is the retractable
steering wheel (to avoid hip injury). Another is the fold-back seat (to avoid the direct imprint
of upholstory patterns on the skin). And a final, very important one, is various sundries and
toiletry items to be deposited in the glove compartment (consult your pharmacist). If the screen
is more interesting, and it usually is, all you need is one ice chest and anywhere from four
to sixteen six-packs. (Löwenbräu specifically forbidden in Texas drive-ins, but permissible in
wimp states like Vermont.)
- RULE #2: No matter who or what you see at the drive-in, DO NOT bring lawn chairs.
The worst you can do is take up space somebody could've used to park in. The best you can do
is look like a jerk, sittin in a lawn chair with a speaker hooked on the back. This defeats the
entire purpose namely, to go out for an evening's entertainment while still enjoying all the
comforts of your car.
- RULE #3: When approaching another car, ALWAYS count the heads before opening the door.
I think this one is fairly self-explanatory and falls under the heading of Class C misdemeanors.
- RULE #4: Keep your lights off at all times. Not only does this muck up the
picture for people who are trying to watch. It can be damned embarrassing.
- RULE #5: Do not own a van. If you do own a van, do not bring it to the drive-in
because it does not belong there. If you do bring it to the drive-in, please park it next to me
so that I can shout loud remarks about your virility to the greasers in charge of keeping the
hippies in line.
- RULE #6: Never order Mexican food at a drive-in. This includes nachos.
- RULE #7: When the sound goes bad or the picture goes blank, ride that horn like
your life depends on it. There is nothing more terrifying than, oh, about 1000 car horns all
blasting at once. The only place you can hear this on a regular basis is at the drive-in, the last
place in America where the people can make more noise than the bureaucracy. Problems don't last
long at the drive-in. This is why.
- RULE #8: Never remove any article of clothing after the second feature. You think
you're taking off your socks, but after three six-packs, you're actually taking off your pants.
- RULE #9: Never say anything to the ticket booth operator like, "Hey, fatso, we're
from Sigma Nu and we're ready to party." Ticket booth operators at drive-ins tend to weigh 240
pounds and carry weapons.
- RULE #10: Never go alone to a drive-in. The ice chest can't hold that much beer.
© Copyright 1998/Joe Bob Briggs
Reprinted by Permission (Thanks, Joe Bob!)
To check in with the drive-in king, write to: P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221
or better yet, send email to: JoeBob@joebobbriggs.com
You might also visit the Oh-ficial Joe Bob Briggs site
Having said all that, this essay actually comes from Joe Bob's first book, Joe Bob Goes to
the Drive-In, which is ©1987 by Joe Bob Briggs. Anyway,
buy some of Joe Bob's books,
but don't copy pieces of them to the Net unless Joe Bob tells you it's okay.
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